He tells me I have a great ass and he likes sleeping with me. Is that enough to get completely lost in someone? Just cause he has this mischievious half smile that makes me laugh giddily like an over excited toddler. Just cause he talks about quantum physics with this burning passion to know more. Just cause he remembers the little, minute details of my life. Is it enough?

I remember the first night we both gave in. With my face in the pillow, I asked him muffled questions with bated breath and he answered in heavy whispers even though we were alone. I turned to face him just as he slipped his arm around me and we just laid there eyes wide open wondering what to do next. I remember wanting to resist kissing him but everything in me resisted that idea. We kissed with a passion that had been pent up for what seemed like ages. That kiss surged a wave of relief over me like never before, almost like it was right. It just was, no questions, although I had many.

We're still in the beginning phase of our relationship, where it's all steamy showers, secret smouldering looks across a crowded room and lots of morning sex. Last week, we spent 4 nights together in a row and it makes me miss him when he's not there. Which in turn, makes me want to nip that in the bud. He is not allowed to have that kind of control over my heart but why does it feel so good to let someone else hold the reins for once? Something tells me I could use a little dependence in my life.

Love,
Single Girl and The City

I'm in. I'm all in and I've got the best poker face in the world. And somehow I could still lose it all. This has nothing to do with ballsiness or the ability to be open. Can you ever start something if you can't end it?

I don't think I can only put half my chips in and save the rest for later. I don't want to be blindly in love. I don't want to need him. But I'm scared to death I will. He's all in and I can't seem to believe him. And right now, ending it would hurt. I want to give it a whole hearted chance but there's nothing he can do to make it better.

Don't people always tell you to marry someone who loves you more than you love them? Both parties are happy that way but I've never been that girl. He makes me laugh. He encourages my stupid thoughts. He tells me I don't have to need him but he's going to be there anyway. He grabs the back of my head when he kisses me. I can honestly say I've never felt so comfortable and un judged in my life. And I still have that va va voom feeling in my stomach whenever I see him. How did it get like this? Somewhere between standing still and looking forward, I fell. Hard. And I don't want to get back up.

Love,
Single Girl and The City

My new ghost took me out to dinner tonight. He's the one who's been haunting my most recent thoughts and dreams. The one I haven't stopped thinking about since I've met him and it looks like he could feel the same way. Could being the key word. I have this complex where I don't get my hopes up with people therefore I don't get fucked over. Because with my luck, it's inevitable, I will get fucked over. So I don't. Kind of. Except sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I find myself infatuated with a perfect someone whom I made up in my head to be that perfectly real in real life. However, he appears to be plagued with a similiar past as me. I feel like we are both waiting for that one who swept us off our feet to break the hold in our relationships. The stupid, mindless "maybe in a few years, the time will be right" hold. Ultimately meaning, four more people are reborn in this world whose hearts have been damaged,if you will. They aren't quite avaiable, quite healed, quite open. But I wonder, can two people hung up on their own "on hold" relationships be together in the mean time?

I don't get swept off my feet too often. In fact, almost never. And when it happened to me, I wanted to marry him and some days, I still think I could. But not now and not for awhile. As much as I didn't want to believe it, I had given up hope in finding someone who blows me away like he did. My version of the could-have-been. Until now. I truly believe that you find those people when you are least looking for them. And boy, let me tell you, was I ever not looking. But the minute I met him, I was blown away. Literally, the wind was absolutely sucked out of me. He was perfectly made for me. From his reddish-blond shaggy hair to his straight, pearly white teeth that I fight the urge to touch. You see, I've developed a slight addiction to his voice and the way it makes me swoon (yes, that's right..swoon). And his ridiculous facial mannerisms which remind me of my own crazy expressions. And the way he mentions Pavlov's theory so nonchalantly which drives me absolutely wild. Yes, it's weird but this whole situation is so wonderfully weird.

We sat there for hours talking non stop about Australia and food and parents and the quality of our lives and everything else under the sun, until the lights dimmed and we realized the restaurant was closing. And in the same moment, I realized how much I missed being so wrapped up in someone, you're unaware of everything and everyone else around you. I caught myself laughing and feeling so comfortable yet so uneasy in the pit of my stomach. What a familiar feeling that still surprises me with it's refreshing, slap you awake newness. But damn, does it ever feel good. It works. It works in all the ways I never expected to find. Not only is it random, it has un conventional written all over it, which strangely enough, makes me want it even more. I despise conventional the same way Madonna despises ice cream. Conventional means perfection, convienience and fake-ness. This is real and imperfectly perfect and damn it, something about convienience doesn't spell a sweep you off your feet romance. Which is what I didn't know I wanted till I potentially have one. Maybe.

Who ever said it was wrong to move on while you were waiting? Something's got to keep you sane but drive you crazy at the same time. The thing I worry about the most is the fact that my wounds will heal completely over, leaving me numb and un open to anything else again. We all need to heal at some point or another, who not let it be with someone who soothes your pain but keeps your wounds fresh at the same time? I feel it and for the first time in what seems like an eternity, I'm so glad I was wrong and I wasn't all that un open after all. It's a strange mix of relief and luscious uneasiness. And I never want it to go away.

Love,
Single Girl and The City

Being single for the past few months has made me realize how much I actually enjoy it. I like sleeping sprawled out in the middle of my double bed. I like watching Desperate Housewives on Sunday night with a cup of tea in my hand instead of calling my boyfriend. I like going out with my girls for a tequila night and watching men hit on us not wondering if he's doing the same thing. I like being able to be spontaneous with my lifestyle and not have anyone to keep in mind. But it's also made me wonder even in all my singledom glory, if I might have accidentally found myself in a sort of relationship.

A friend of mine said something the other day that made me ponder if a certain type of goodbye can mean a hello to a new relationship? He was here the other day when the sun was shining an orangey evening haze outside. As he buckled his belt, he looked at me as if seeing me for the first time and he grabbed my knee and kissed me goodbye. It might have been the first spontaneous thing he's ever done, might ever do. It was like he kissed me because he wanted to, because he was overwhelmed by a desire to, because I was cocking my head and smiling at him, trying to be cute. I think it worked. I was pleasantly shocked, perhaps even taken aback, straddling my cool, granite island, swinging my legs back and forth like a carefree little girl. Maybe we are attracted to the traits we want but don't possess. He is not carefree. He is not naturally funny. He is not spontaneous. And sometimes, I don't know if he knows how to be social with people but I love his presence and the way he says olive juice. I love his awkwardness like he hasn't fully realized how good looking he is. I love his inept-ness with machines. I love our shared love of surgeries and adopting African children from foreign countries. I love his fantasy of wanting to be a fighter pilot. I love the way he makes love to me and how it frightens me yet pleases me at the same time. I love his legs. He has gorgeous gams, seriously. I love how hardcore he is about everything. And I love how he inspires me to forget everything else and live the life I've always wanted to live.

He had never done that before. I had kissed him goodbye numerous times and then, we hugged goodbye a few times. Then, he kissed me and I feel like something changed. It's like the anticipation of a first kiss with someone who makes you smile to yourself on the metro. You can't wait to fulfill the fantasy of finally feeling his lips against yours. You wonder if it will be truly electrifying and if you'll see fireworks. You wonder this lying awake till the wee hours of the night. And then it happens and you can't wait to do it again and again till your lips are swollen. We had kissed before and it was every bit delicious, but this....this was fantastic. I never expected this from him and now I want it. He has spoiled me, I can't go back. Yet maybe, I should go back and I probably will until the next time it happens and he makes me smile to myself on the metro.

Love,
Single Girl and The City

It seems to me that I can't watch a relationship fall apart, someone else's or my own. To see the familiar pattern of the downfall is almost unbearable. Almost seems like I can't escape it in piecing my life together again and not being able to shield my eyes from what I'm trying to run from. However, I can't help but wonder when there's nothing left to hold on to, is just love enough?

In being the realist (ok, pessimist) that I am, the first thing I think about when I enter a new relationship is the break up. Yes, it's terrible, I agree, but it's become almost a sub concious thing that I'm not even completely aware of anymore. It starts of being a flitting thought I brush away with a hint of annoyance but as my heart gets attached and feelings get invested, it starts to terrify me. Even the thought of a break up is a thought enough to keep me away from getting into an exclusive relationship until I'm ready to handle it. The truth of the matter is, how does one know if they are ever ready to handle it again? Perhaps it's when we meet a person who's worth the risk being taken or perhaps, we just jump back in blindly. How confusing.

What every woman does but will never admit to is knowing and recognizing the signs pre disaster. Let's face it, we all know it's coming, we're just in denial about it. In those last few desperate moments, when it seems like he's given up or that there is no happy ending to keep fighting for, can the dream of true love save a relationship? It's as if the reasons just roll off your tongue. Would you be with someone just because you finally found someone who you really think you could spend the rest of your life with or just because your happiness lies within his happiness or maybe it's just because you would give up everything and anything to be with him. It's love. Why would someone need a better reason? I don't know if I believe love will get you through the times when your dreams don't match up with his and when you know, that you would never be truly happy forever living the life he wants. love is compromise but not sacrifice, this I know. This I hold onto in order to piece my life back together. It seems so mindless now, fighting for something because of a feeling, an incredibly world shattering feeling, but a feeling, none the less.

In today's overly realistic world, maybe love isn't enough to hold two people together eternally or maybe, we all just need to fall in love again.

Love,
Single Girl and The City

This is a shout out to all the single gals all over the world, no matter where you are, rest assured you are not the only one.

My question today is something I've been pondering for a few days now...
When it comes to moving on, is it the same thing as leaving something behind and if it is, does it come only we want it to?

As women, we are genetically programmed to whine. And complain. And whine some more and sometimes, it seems that we whine about moving on, more so about why we AREN'T moving on. Think about it. How many times have you been out with your girlfriends, where you've heard at least one of them ask "Why can't I move on??" or perhaps you yourself have asked that question. Maybe, it's not about the why and more about the want. Do you WANT to throw away his ratty Diesel t-shirt? Do you WANT to put away his cute greeting cards? Most importantly, do you WANT to stop reliving the memories and live the future? I know what I'm scared of is forgetting. In living the future, are we purposely forgetting the past? I don't want to forget the way he takes my breath away. I don't want to forget that electrifying feeling like my heart is going to burst out of my ribcage when he kisses me. I don't want to forget what it's like to wake up next to him and feel settled yet so unsettled. You don't want to forget the good things because it could never happen again. Irrational, I know, but true. The thoughts plague everyone of us. What if he was The One? What if I've lost my chance and from here on, its the downward spiral of settling.

On the flip side, do you WANT to remember the bad things? Like all the married couple fights that led to the silent treatment. Like the times you never felt good enough. Like the times you doubted ever falling in love with him. Unfortunately, our memories are not selective and the bad as well as the good ones hurt to think about. My motto is if it's meant to be, someday it WILL be. However, in the mean time, as you find yourself stuck between standing still and moving on, you will find someone who makes you smile at the mere thought of them and THAT, in the end, will essentially be the push you needed. For now, I WANT to dance in the rain. I WANT to laugh till I cry. I WANT to live my life because in not moving on, I am settling, in short, my worst fear. Life is too short for all the tears, obsessive facebook checking and stomach knots. In living, really living, that's where you shall find true happiness. After all, isn't that what we're all searching for?

Love,
The lady that lives with her designer shoes