My new ghost took me out to dinner tonight. He's the one who's been haunting my most recent thoughts and dreams. The one I haven't stopped thinking about since I've met him and it looks like he could feel the same way. Could being the key word. I have this complex where I don't get my hopes up with people therefore I don't get fucked over. Because with my luck, it's inevitable, I will get fucked over. So I don't. Kind of. Except sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I find myself infatuated with a perfect someone whom I made up in my head to be that perfectly real in real life. However, he appears to be plagued with a similiar past as me. I feel like we are both waiting for that one who swept us off our feet to break the hold in our relationships. The stupid, mindless "maybe in a few years, the time will be right" hold. Ultimately meaning, four more people are reborn in this world whose hearts have been damaged,if you will. They aren't quite avaiable, quite healed, quite open. But I wonder, can two people hung up on their own "on hold" relationships be together in the mean time?
I don't get swept off my feet too often. In fact, almost never. And when it happened to me, I wanted to marry him and some days, I still think I could. But not now and not for awhile. As much as I didn't want to believe it, I had given up hope in finding someone who blows me away like he did. My version of the could-have-been. Until now. I truly believe that you find those people when you are least looking for them. And boy, let me tell you, was I ever not looking. But the minute I met him, I was blown away. Literally, the wind was absolutely sucked out of me. He was perfectly made for me. From his reddish-blond shaggy hair to his straight, pearly white teeth that I fight the urge to touch. You see, I've developed a slight addiction to his voice and the way it makes me swoon (yes, that's right..swoon). And his ridiculous facial mannerisms which remind me of my own crazy expressions. And the way he mentions Pavlov's theory so nonchalantly which drives me absolutely wild. Yes, it's weird but this whole situation is so wonderfully weird.
We sat there for hours talking non stop about Australia and food and parents and the quality of our lives and everything else under the sun, until the lights dimmed and we realized the restaurant was closing. And in the same moment, I realized how much I missed being so wrapped up in someone, you're unaware of everything and everyone else around you. I caught myself laughing and feeling so comfortable yet so uneasy in the pit of my stomach. What a familiar feeling that still surprises me with it's refreshing, slap you awake newness. But damn, does it ever feel good. It works. It works in all the ways I never expected to find. Not only is it random, it has un conventional written all over it, which strangely enough, makes me want it even more. I despise conventional the same way Madonna despises ice cream. Conventional means perfection, convienience and fake-ness. This is real and imperfectly perfect and damn it, something about convienience doesn't spell a sweep you off your feet romance. Which is what I didn't know I wanted till I potentially have one. Maybe.
Who ever said it was wrong to move on while you were waiting? Something's got to keep you sane but drive you crazy at the same time. The thing I worry about the most is the fact that my wounds will heal completely over, leaving me numb and un open to anything else again. We all need to heal at some point or another, who not let it be with someone who soothes your pain but keeps your wounds fresh at the same time? I feel it and for the first time in what seems like an eternity, I'm so glad I was wrong and I wasn't all that un open after all. It's a strange mix of relief and luscious uneasiness. And I never want it to go away.
Love,
Single Girl and The City
